Things I must remember

Things I must remember as a dog


  • The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. 
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. 
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. 
  • I will not eat the cats’ food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. 
  • I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. 
  • I will not throw up in the car. 
  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 
  • “Kitty box crunchies”, although they are tasty, are not food. 
  • I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. 
  • The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 
  • I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them. 
  • I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. 
  • When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside. 
  • We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. 
  • I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. 
  • The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad’s laps.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration. 
  • I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. 
  • I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt. 
  • I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath. 
  • Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello. 
  • I will not hump on any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do. 
  • I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head. 
  • I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 
  • The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner. 
  • I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. 
  • Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room. 
  • The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing

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